A Soul Tree Journey

with amanda joy

Recent Posts

  • reasons to write – 1

    Part reflection or musings, part journal or memoir, and part, “What am I doing with my life?” These are some reasons that I want to write. Sometimes, they are the reasons that I must write. Not as a compulsion, I don’t think, but certainly as an instinct.

    Because following my instincts or intuition has become a focus for some time. It began last year, when I’d been somewhat stranded between countries from March 2020. You remember … lockdowns and such?

    I was travelling in March and had just set off on a 2 month trip when my home country prepared to close its borders. And the country I was going to … Well, who knows? And because I didn’t know, I decided to stay where I was. Safe and sound in a transit country until I could continue my journey. It couldn’t be long, right?

    It turned out to be 20 months of waiting. And 22 months until I would be home again, until flights resumed to my home city. I was on the first flight in. But that’s another story.

    My story here is about following my intuition. It’s about how I managed to cope reasonably well – or well enough – with all the months of staying ‘in place’. Yes, it was a challenge.

    It became more challenging after a few months and then, in June 2020, the ambulance sirens outside became more frequent. I found this triggering – again, another story – and everything was becoming ‘too much’. Too much uncertainty, too much anxiety, too much ‘sameness’ in life. One day was the same as the next. Groundhog days took on a very real meaning.

    Now, because there were no external demands on time or activities, I was free to follow my own inclinations. To follow my intuition. I found new practices and rediscovered old ones. To feel grounded, I used qigong. To feel balanced, I used yoga. To feel calmer, I used sound frequencies. If I felt like it, I could do qigong on the balcony at 2 am. So, I did. Whatever, whenever.

    My routine became one of ‘no routine’. I could do anything I felt like and at any time. Paradoxically, it was freeing while being in a situation of limitations. Importantly, though, I felt instinctively what I needed, what my body and mind needed, and I did that. I followed my intuition. For me, the main goal was to be in a good state, physically and mentally, when I was finally able to leave. And I did my best …

    Of course, it wasn’t as simple or as easy in reality. Life continued to be ‘challenging’ for the whole of 2020. And into 2021, as well. In a way, it was worse because the new year brought no changes. It was worse in 2021 because things were still the same.

    Then, after 12 months or so, stress and anxiety were taking a toll. I was suffering from insomnia and borderline hypertension. The doctor was threatening medication if my blood pressure didn’t settle to the ‘normal’ range. And so, quite consciously, I decided to stop worrying. Is this possible? I would have said, no, it’s not, especially since chronic worrying runs in the family. But I did. I really stopped worrying.

    I made a decision to think just about where I was, instead of where I wasn’t. I decided to let family and friends back home, my house and everything there, just do without me. Because this was all I could manage. It was all that I could do.

    This is the start of the story of why I write. And why. I haven’t arrived yet the part where I began writing. Other changes would need to happen first …

    Following my instincts right now, along with a sense that I’m losing writing momentum … and also because it’s 5 am, I will pause here. If I don’t pause now, I’m on my way to writing a book. Or at least, a book chapter 😉

    To be continued? Yes, I think so. 😊

  • why blog?

    I’m still thinking about why I’m blogging. I’m still working out my purpose. Because surely knowing this will drive the focus and content of my writing … and consistency, too.

    When I started this blog a few months ago, the intention was to move from writing on Instagram to a more traditional platform. Although, even as I write this, I’m questioning the relevance of the idea. What does ‘traditional’ mean and what does it matter?

    Yes, I do remember a pre-digital time. A time when we wrote letters and assignments by hand, so ‘traditional’ for me is something that looks like a journal, magazine or book. Which Instagram does not.

    What really matters, though, is that wherever you write or on whatever platform, it should allow you to communicate. I was going to add ‘and to who you want’. But we don’t have very much control over this, I think.

    However, the best intentions often fall away, don’t they? What I have found is that different people access different platforms. IG folk don’t look for blogs. Possibly the reverse is also true. My Instagram followers, few though they may be, will not follow me to a platform they aren’t familiar with.

    What has happened then, is that I still write on Instagram but I write differently. It’s spontaneous and fast – to create, share and have interactions. I have a rhythm there to what I do and because I have been doing it for a year now, it is comfortable and easy.

    Perhaps this is what I need to find in blogging. I need to give it time to develop a rhythm and some ease to the process. Perhaps then, my purpose will become clear as well …

  • starting, stopping

    Starting and stopping. This has been a theme running through my life for my whole life. It probably is for many people. Yes, I’m sure it is.

    The current example for me now, is the blogging, not blogging thing. This is also likely true for many people and not just me!

    I started off well with blogging. I think. There was regular inspiration and a dedication to writing. Although I’m not certain that this is the right word at all. Because I stopped writing on this blog quite quickly. There wasn’t so much dedication, was there?

    Yes, I was travelling. And yes, I was unwell for a period of time. But I know that these are excuses and not reasons.

    This is because the ‘starting and stopping’ is a recurring pattern, so I’m inclined to pursue the reasons why I start a project only to stop shortly after starting it.

    It’s not that I can’t. I can. But I don’t. Am I lazy? Possibly. But I do commit to and fulfil deadlines for other people, in work or other situations. So why don’t I do things for me?

    Maybe the question should be changed from what is stopping me, to what is blocking me?

    Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of success? What is stopping me from pursuing and achieving my goals and dreams?

    Then, I noticed something. Which may be relevant or it may not. This piece is a really a reflection-in-action. A musing.

    Recently, I’ve been back at home, spending time with my mother and helping her adjust to the increasing frailty of older years. And what I noticed is that she often seemed surprised that I could do things. That I had sensible ideas. Yes, well …

    Of course, the effects of one’s early years on our lives is well known. But we often don’t observe or become aware of these influences. The expectations of family, teachers, and other people can shape our own. They even help shape our ‘destiny’, and who we become.

    My question to myself is, is realisation alone enough to shift personal expectations and an awareness of who I am and who I can be? Let’s see …

  • Resilience

    The human body is resilient. Well, it can be. A few weeks ago I was so weak that I couldn’t walk. Now though, I am back to feeling whatever normal looked like before I fell ill.

    But the experience reminded me of a couple of things. Firstly, that our bodies can only look after us if we look after them. I’m at an age where one doesn’t always bounce back easily from sickness or injury in the same way as when we were younger. Extra care is needed. Moving toward then, I’m mindful that I should pay more attention to what I eat, how I exercise and how I live my life generally.

    The other reminder is of a significant illness I had many years ago. It was lengthy in terms of both the illness and the time it took me to recover. There were several weeks in hospital including the ICU. It too several more months to live a ‘normal’ life again.

    Being unwell just recently put me back there – if not actually in a physical sense, certainly in an emotional one. I clearly remembered how it felt not to be able to move or walk easily. I remember the helplessness and the isolation. It didn’t feel at all good.

    It affected my mental state. I wasn’t in control of my life or even of taking care of myself. It has taken a little while to regroup and get back to feeling how I was before. But I’m so very thankful that it was a transient thing. Many people are not so fortunate, I know.

    So now, there will be some changes. There needs to be. If I want my current lifestyle of travel and independence to continue, that is.   And I already know how to do it. I think we all know what is required to live a long and healthy life. It really comes down to our intention … and paying attention to what our bodies, minds and hearts need. Let’s do that.

    Oh, something I remember from my time in hospital years ago. A nurse said to me, that it was unusual to have a patient in the ward with an actual disease. What she meant was, someone who was not in hospital with a non-lifestyle related condition. From smoking or alcohol or poor dietary choices.

    It’s up to me now to choose. To choose what to put in my body and how to treat it. Because I do want to feel well and be well, for as long as I possibly can. Don’t we all?

  • absent momentum

    absent momentum

    Sometimes in life, we see progress.
    There is movement, going forward.

    But suddenly will come a shift.
    There is a still, a static energy.

    In the absence of momentum,
    Give yourself the space, the grace

    To tread water, just for a while,
    Until life begins its flow again.

    Artwork by Kim Soon Cheol
  • a new view – part 1

    a new view – part 1

    There are times when suddenly things come into focus. When you see things as they are, but with greater clarity. With a different perspective, a new view. This happened today when I was walking back from the shop. Which is not at all an unusual thing. But it became very clear, in a moment, that where I was now, was not my usual life at all.

    I was walking up a hill along a lane. A flock of birds swooped in front of me. The road curved ahead and I stepped aside to allow a passing car a clear path. Further along there are a few houses. A field with some animals.

    This is not Australian suburbia with stop signs and traffic lights – which is my ‘native’ or normal habitat – but a hillside village on the outskirts of Sarajevo. It’s not really remote but it is certainly secluded. There are a few close neighbours, but there are more chickens and sheep than people.

    How I got here isn’t important, although it is probably an interesting story in itself … but this moment of clarity about where I was, made me aware that I felt quite at home in place that wasn’t. Home, that is. It felt normal to be somewhere that wasn’t at all a part of my life story. Until now.

    But truly being ‘at home’ needs something more from me. It’s more than just feeling comfortable living in a place. The place and its people must accommodate me too. I’m thinking specifically about language. Because I neither speak nor understand Bosnian. On previous trips here, I’ve managed well enough with English. My usual greeting of ‘dobar dan’ is quickly followed by a ‘Hello’ so that the person I’m speaking to is aware that any further conversation in Bosnian is pointless.

    But living here is different to visiting. Last week, a passing motorist stopped to ask me something. I’ve no idea what. An elderly gentleman at the bus stop wanted to chat. He even tried speaking German. Sorry, but that’s no good either. So, living in a neighbourhood requires a more personal connection that only a common language can give. It would also be nice to be neighbourly and have an occasional meaningful conversation.

    My previous objections to learning a new language are becoming harder to support with conviction. ‘I’m too old’. ‘It’s too difficult’. Both are probably true but I’m feeling more and more that I should at least try. Although, it will definitely be a challenge.

    And I need to start soon. Because the doorbell just rang, and I’m pretty sure my neighbour has invited me for coffee or tea. But the part about when or what time has completely escaped me. It would be nice to know such things … 

    My view. July 2022

  • blog or instagram?

    This is a working-through-my-process kind of post. I’m just starting out. I’m still working things out. And I’m deciding where I’m going.

    So. I’m neither an expert on blogging or on Instagram. But I do use both. I started writing on Instagram not knowing how to use it. I wasn’t even a follower of anyone. But I had words coming out of me, and a compulsion to share them somewhere. I had photos, as well, and my own sense of what I wanted to do. I had no expectations that anyone would read anything and no intention to share widely. I wasn’t looking for a large audience. Just the right one. Which I did.

    I like Instagram because it is very immediate. I take a photo and write a few words. Then I get a response right away with a ‘like’ or a comment. I really enjoy the connection and sometimes there would be a conversation. Perhaps blogging is the same but without a word count limit? I’m still working this out along some other things. (Pingbacks? Tags? My WP avatar? I don’t know 😕)

    Anyway, why did I start a blog? It’s another experiment, I suppose. My initial thought was to move content from IG. I would be able to expand my thoughts and write longer form pieces. Perhaps I was looking for a new and wider audience? I didn’t plan to keep writing on both platforms. But it seems that I am. Different words seem to belong in each space. This piece is not for Instagram, for example. Other pieces are. So each of my pages has a different identity, but they are both mine. They both reflect something of me.

    I also sense, no, I know, that having a blog is another way to step out of what feels comfortable. Because if I’m honest, stepping out of my comfort zone is really what my current journey – including writing – is all about. When I began writing, it was a new thing for me. Not in the sense that I’d never done it before, but now I was sharing what I thought and what I felt. I was sharing ‘me’.

    I was letting other people read what I wrote. At first, it was scary and I was very nervous. But then, less and less so. Looking back, this was all, or mostly, about revealing myself. I was stepping out of the shadows or the limitations of other people’s expectations and understanding of who I am. And, of course, I was freeing myself from my own.

    For me, writing and posting on Instagram and now blogging, is really about becoming visible. Because for much of my life, I realise that I’ve tried to be ‘invisible’. It took me forever to attach my name (even my first name) to my words. And it took even longer to post a photo. But there it is now. And here I am! Wondering, where to next? 🤔😊

  • a second chance

    a second chance

    A second chance in life. Starting over. Being reborn. A new beginning … We hear this so often, it’s become a cliché. But there’s a reason we hear it often. And whatever it might be called, it is our choice to make.

    At any stage of life, there is the potential to become something different. Be something new. Someone new. This is my story … becoming someone ‘new’. Or as a dear friend would say to me, ‘No, it’s still you, it’s just another version of you’.

    In my life, I’ve had a career, family and friends, love and loss. As we all do. There have also been points of … what’s the word? Crossroads, I guess. Points at which there was a chance to take a new direction or a different path. I didn’t always take that chance. This is also true, I feel, for many.

    What I also observe is that these points are points of opportunity. They are a chance to learn from past experience. I almost said ‘mistakes’ but that’s a judgement. However, if we don’t learn a lesson in life, the same challenge will appear, and appear again until we learn the lesson intended. Sometimes, it takes a while …

    But no matter how long it takes, or at what stage of the life journey our directions change, what is important is that we pay attention. We need to pay attention to where we are. We need to pay attention to where – and who – we want to be.

    To get to that place, an inner change of direction is called for. From the head, yes, to the heart. Because these decisions are not made with the mind but come from the heart.

    Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.

    Rumi
    Street corner, Galway, Ireland. March 29 2022.
  • bus stop flowers

    bus stop flowers

    ‘The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it’.

    Thich Nhat Hanh, ‘Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life’

    These flowers are my ‘bus stop flowers’. Because they are planted near where I wait to catch the bus to town.

    It’s not a very pretty neighbourhood. The bus stop itself is drab. It is functional rather than attractive. But these flowers always catch my eye as I pass, as a beautiful distraction from the nearby surroundings. The seeds have been scattered widely so that the blooms are randomly arranged. Bright and colourful, they are Nature’s gift.

    It is these flowers that draw my attention in an otherwise nondescript landscape. My intention is to choose what I see and what I focus on. And this is intentionally selective. Filtered. I choose what I see. 🤍

    Bus stop flowers. September 12 2022.

  • on being perfect

    ‘Perfection is achieved when there is nothing left to take away’.

    Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

    These words strike me as being very true. In life generally and especially in writing. It’s not simply a matter of ‘less is more’ but of having just the right words. I want to choose the essential and most suitable words to say what I mean. And no more.

    This may be why my posts are on the brief side. No, it’s quite precisely why. My process is quick and immediate. There’s not even a plan. I have no real expectations and no agenda. I think. I write. I share.

    In the past, I would have planned, drafted and written. Then rewritten. There would have been self-judgement and criticism. The feeling that my writing wasn’t ‘good enough’. Andbit would be abandoned to become yet another ‘work-in-progress’.

    Now, there is immediacy in self-expression. Now, there is no questioning the ‘good enough-ness’ of what I write. I simply write.

    Of course, there is editing. I will fix an error, improve a word or adjust punctuation. But very often I’m removing words. There may be something redundant, or a word not suited to my intention. I’m not aiming for ‘perfection’ at all, but simply for the best I can do at that moment. That’s all I can do and it’s all I want.

    ‘And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good’

    John Steinbeck

    So  this is what I’m aiming for. To be good. And on some days, that means just being good enough …

    Nothing is permanent

    Nothing is complete

    Nothing is perfect

    When I think about perfectionism, I’m also reminded of the Japanese philosophy of 侘寂 (wabi-sabi). It values the idea of the impermanent, the incomplete, the imperfect. It values the elegance and beauty of simplicity.

    If we can appreciate the ‘imperfect, impermanent and incomplete’ in others and in other things, then maybe we can allow this in ourselves. To release the pressure of perfectionism and just ‘be’. And to just be our best. Whatever that might mean 🤍

  • layers of life

    Layers 1. ‘Life’

    Layers of life
    Unravelled memories
    Days and years
    Past

    Layers of life
    Reveal themselves
    Here and now
    Present

    Layers of life
    Unfolding before me
    Hopes and dreams
    Future

    layers

    Layers 2 . ‘Love’

    Layers of love
    Being open to trust
    Wanting and longing for
    You

    Layers of love
    Being able to see
    One who cares for
    Me

    Layers of love
    Two souls alone
    Heart stories join
    Us

    . ajh 2022 .

  • to blog … or not

    I’m not sure yet about blogging. But I want to write. And the writing has to live somewhere.

    When I began writing in November last year, it was on Instagram. I enjoyed creating images and posting what I wanted to share. I also enjoyed the immediacy of IG. There was a sense of community because I was writing for a small and quite specific audience. And online and real-life friendships were made.

    But I never felt that Instagram was the place for ‘real writing’. It doesn’t allow for longer form pieces. It has a ‘here now, gone tomorrow’ feel. And I wanted my words to have more permanence.

    So, I’m giving the blog format a try. Not knowing what I’m doing really. Yet. And not caring too much, to be honest. I just want to write. Because I’m writing for myself.

    And because I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m aware of it, there’s a certain freedom. I have few expectations and no idea of how to grow a readership. I could find out, of course. I could learn how to chase traffic etc. But then I’d be following a different path. And I want to follow a writing path.

    When I first began writing on IG, I had no expectations and not much understanding of how it worked. But I slowly worked it out. I also had no idea if anyone would find me. Or read my posts. It was a very nice surprise when people did respond and comment.

    It’s like that again now. I’m writing. No-one is reading. And that’s OK. I told someone last week of my plan to move some of my writing to this site. I told her it would be quite okay if there were no readers or ‘likes’. I think she believed me, but I’m not sure that I did 🤔 (Do we use emojis in blogging? I don’t know 😕)

    Anyway, I’m here. For whatever reason. Talking to myself. Writing for myself. And that’s enough. It really is 😊

    .

    Photo – Journal in shop window, Lyon. August 30, 2022